a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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