One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
