A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
