I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
