Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
