remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
