on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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