Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm gonna have a badass scar
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
it glows. i had to have it.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
