speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I've blown a few things in my day
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
