I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
