Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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