she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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