We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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