haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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