I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
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I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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