Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
