now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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