he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
