we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
