Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
