how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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