mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
