When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
