I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
