i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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