Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
