I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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