We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
