just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
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