Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
