according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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