he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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