Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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