So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I touched a dick in church today
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
