I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Two words: nipple clamps
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