I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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