We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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