mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
