It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
