My liver just broke up with me...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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