they need to just BURY HIM!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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