when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
he high fived his dick after we had sex
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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