What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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