I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
