So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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