I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
All the doctor said was why
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
