Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
literally had 100 drinks last night.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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