note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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