Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful