You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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