I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
