Swine flu. Run for my life!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
