My sheets look like a crime scene.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
