so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
