I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
