i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
