Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Please, let me fuck your mom

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(734): View more from Michigan

I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.

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(805): View more from California

I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake

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(585): View more from New York

Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.

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(904): View more from Florida

Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.

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